my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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