I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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