if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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