Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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