Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
