No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
