You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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