Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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