The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
