So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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