So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
