i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
