69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
