I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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