Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
