You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
