That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
