and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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