I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish you could order shots online.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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