she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We have started to decorate penises.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
