Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
