Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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