I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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