I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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