i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
