I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize