only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
