so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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