Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
