where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
