Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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