There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
