every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
