I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize