i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
