you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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