You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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