Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
