ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
