Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
