Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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