Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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