Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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