He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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