"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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