if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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