i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
