Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
