dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
