i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
