Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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