He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
