ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
