You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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