Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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