someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
