last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
