Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
