Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
