One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Well I just put wine in my tea
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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