We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
