I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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