I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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