So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize