I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize