It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
