oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
