Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
